Lima Al-Azzeh

He Will Try…

In Cultural Anomalies on August 16, 2010 at 6:58 pm

Vintage Wedding Postcard by chicks57

I used to generally blame Vancouver for my dating woes. I thought there wasn’t a single good guy to date anymore around here, what with Vancouver’s reputation for being inhabited by cold people who are largely flaky and uncooperative and that foreboding ratio of women to men being at a whopping 7 to 1 (Can anyone substantiate this craziness?). I wasn’t the only one who thought this, my friends confirmed my every suspicion that this city is fundamentally impossible to date in. All those people we knew in relationships had to have found their men someplace else. Someplace that valued commitment and bred magical, mystical males who saw value in only dating one person at a time. What a foreign concept tailor made for foreign men from foreign lands.

I’ve dated men far past the point of no return. I would have inclinations that perhaps these people weren’t right for me but I’d go with it anyway. I started to play that dangerous game with myself of “let’s see how long this one lasts”. A game I realize now, was utterly defeatist and therefore doomed from the beginning. You can’t win a war based on a defeatist strategy, and you can’t find love that way either.

I would lie awake at night and ponder my singledom. I would concoct elaborate theories and epic excuses around men in this city being too immature to realize a good thing when it happened to them. I thought of everything, but found solace in nothing.

Then I realized there’s a lesson I learned long ago, a lesson I know to be absolutely, more importantly, universally true. But somehow I keep forgetting it.

Around February of last year I had gotten back in touch with a boy I’d met a couple of years before. This boy stood out to me when we first met. I remembered being impressed with the fact that he really seemed to be going out of his way to try and seek me out. He asked my friend about me, he tried to find out more about me, until eventually he got my number and of course located me on MSN.

We’d expressed a mutual interest when we first met but somehow never had the ability to get together.  He moved in and out of Vancouver on business and was impossible to keep track of. We talked frequently, at first, always expressing interest and concern for one another. Needless to say, I was starting to like this phantom guy. We even met up when I was living in Toronto – although he had a girlfriend at the time – he always treated me with utter respect, and even lovelier, he treated me like a lady. He paid for our dinners and drinks, he held the door open, he walked to my right.

As I said, we got back in touch last February through the magic of the internets and our exchanges were much the same. We were enthusiastic to catch up. I was owed a couple of days off for working through a weekend and, as it happens, I found out he was living in Calgary – just a short hop, skip and one hour flight away. Tickets were cheap and I had 4 days of nothing to do, so I took a leap of faith and decided to visit him to see if anything was there once and for all. I truly had no expectations of grand love, I was more just curious and at least hoping to have some fun in a new city.

I’m sure you saw this coming, but as it happens, he wasn’t anything I expected him to be. He was not a gentleman. He was a bad host. He left me in the care of his brother and friends while he chased after bar maids and various other too-young-to-know-better girls. I was insulted, to say the least, and absolutely couldn’t wait to get home.

As you could imagine, I came home to questions from friends about what had all transpired. Everyone was hoping for a Cinderella story, and all I had for them was a Frankenstein – a story of a failed experiment. I did however, have one very important  lesson to share with them, something that may have been painfully obvious to everyone else, but that was made especially obvious to me that weekend.

One day he decided to take me up to Banff to see the sights. We drove for a couple of hours and chatted amicably the whole way. He said he wanted to show me the Fairmont hotel in Banff – a gorgeous castle-like luxury resort. As we walked up to the hotel, he began to tell me a story of a girl. Apparently, he had fallen madly for a girl who was in a relationship. He explained to me how he pursued her endlessly, regardless of her relationship status, because he thought the world of her and because he felt that he had to stop at nothing to be with her. After months of pursuing and being refused, he received news that the girl and her boyfriend were on the outs. It was uncertain whether the break up would stick, but he saw an opportunity, however bleak, to win her heart.

He told me how he rented a gorgeous room with a view in that beautiful castle of a hotel. He had them set up the room especially nice with all those classically lady-friendly items like roses, champagne, and chocolate covered strawberries. One night, he called her and asked if he could take her for a simple dinner out to offer her some respite from her breakup troubles, an offer she gladly accepted. She had no idea that “dinner” was to take place in a beautifully set up room, a few hours outside of the city. He hadn’t told her where they were going, he just drove her straight there.

In that moment, as we peered over the balcony into the grassy valley below, something was made abundantly clear to me: “If he wants you, he will try”. There really isn’t much more to it than that.

There is only one true determinate in finding a relationship, and that is that if a man cares for you and truly wants to be with you, it’s more than just the chase, he will try to have you, and he will ultimately try to keep you. How can I have forgotten this?

The truth is, this determinate gets lost when it’s mixed up with the fickleness of human emotion. Fickle feelings like loneliness, or jealousy, or flattery can delude anyone into believing that someone is, or would be, willing to try for them. But facts are facts, and I think every girl can figure out if the man she is with is trying for her, or if she is trying to feel that he is trying for her.

“Trying” doesn’t always have to be made up of a grand gesture, sometimes it’s anything but. “Trying” can be when he walks you to the bus stop and waits with you, just to make sure you get on safely. “Trying” can be when he guides you through the doorway by putting a hand on the small of your back as you walk in. “Trying” could be when he cooks you dinner. “Trying” can be when he makes you breakfast. “Trying” are all those countless little things he does with only you in mind.

Sometimes a man will try too hard, too fast, and that in itself can be dangerously fickle too. It’s little bits of “trying” every step of the way that will propel a relationship forward. The best relationships, are those where both parties just keep trying.

So after all this pondering, and all these self-made excuses, I’ve realized that it isn’t this city that’s the problem after all. It never really is this city. I just haven’t met someone who is willing to “try”, and keep on “trying” for me. That’s not to say that I will not find that here and at least now I know for certain what this “trying” business looks like. At least now, I have something to try to look forward to.

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  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by bethaniey juine, bethaniey juine and Vancouver Retweeter, Lima Al-Azzeh. Lima Al-Azzeh said: NEW BLOG POST: Dedicated to those in #love & those who continue to search for it … http://ow.ly/2qvnV #romance #vancouver […]

  2. Well put my love! xoxo

  3. What a great insight Lima at an early age.. very impressive darling..

  4. […] If somebody loves you, and you love them, you will try for one […]

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